I heard we made out
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
