He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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