WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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