He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
