DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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