The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
