after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
