oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
