Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
