i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There's always time for handjobs
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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