The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
another moral hangover. fuck.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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