I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
