Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
