he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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