Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize