There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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