yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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