we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Randomize
