He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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