My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
