If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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