i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
