Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I still have a little drunk in my system
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize