I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
