Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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