I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
