can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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