when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize