So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
