no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
