paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
