woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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