If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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