you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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