I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
