Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
well you can't waste a boner
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
