Your face is a jimmy john
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
