UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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