Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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