I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
