Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
