you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
