i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
