sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
nutella sex= disaster
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
