how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
