I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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