i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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