i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize