Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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