Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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