is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Shame - the story of my life.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
