I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
