my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
