the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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