No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I didn't notice because vodka
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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