Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
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