Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
