Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
