the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
