I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
