i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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