Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
